Have you ever remembered that moment when your parents got mad at you because you broke something?
I still remember one case clearly.
I broke something at home, and my mom got really mad at me. She didn’t just raise her voice, she also punished me. For little me, it was really scary.
And because of that, I started to develop one “habit”:
instead of admitting my mistake, I tried to defend myself by:
- telling lies, or
- blaming my brother or sister.
Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.
But when it didn’t, my brother or sister ended up getting blamed and scolded too — and of course, they were angry at me.
Looking back, I can see that my fear of getting yelled at was actually shaping how I responded to my own mistakes.
The Same Pattern, Just in Adult Version
Believe it or not, we still experience similar things even after we grow up.
Now the “mom” in the story becomes:
- our boss,
- our colleague,
- our leader,
- or even our spouse or friend.
When they warn us or give us negative feedback, we can feel:
- depressed,
- sad,
- traumatized,
- or even very angry inside.
And our response is often still the same like when we were kids:
- we become defensive,
- we argue,
- we blame other people,
- we try to protect our ego.
Sometimes we’ve already tried our best.
We poured out our energy, sacrificed our time, did what we believed was right.
But in the end, what we receive is only negative feedback.
I know that it feels unfair.
Step Back: Did I Actually Make a Mistake?
When I’m in that situation, I try (not always successfully 😅) to step back and ask:
“First of all… did I actually make a mistake or not?”
Sometimes I will ask a few close friends I trust, just to get another perspective:
- What do you think about what happened?
- Do you think I was wrong?
- Has this happened many times before?
We also need to see their intention:
- Are they giving this feedback because they want to help?
- Or are they just unloading their stress on us?
If someone scolds us without any clear reason, always attacks us personally, or never listens, then honestly, it’s okay to protect ourselves and keep distance from that kind of person. Not all feedback is healthy.
If I Did Make a Mistake, Then What?
But if, let’s say, we realize we did make a mistake, then the next thing to see is:
“How was the feedback given?”
Was it:
- calm and low tone,
- or emotional and full of anger,
- or straight-up yelling and scolding?
Of course, the best scenario is when people give feedback politely, clearly, and respectfully. That’s what we all want.
But in real life, that doesn’t always happen.
People are tired, stressed, have their own issues — and sometimes they throw all of that into their words when they talk to us.
So what can we do?
Sometimes, the best response is not to talk too much and defend ourselves aggressively.
We can simply:
- listen,
- breathe,
- then say something like: “Thank you for the feedback. I need some time to digest this, but I appreciate you sharing it.”
It doesn’t mean we agree with everything.
It just means we are mature enough to receive first, respond later.
We Can’t Control How They Talk, But We Can Control How We Respond
Most of the time, people will not give feedback in the way we wish:
- not always gentle,
- not always structured,
- not always emotionally healthy.
But at the end of the day, what really matters is:
- How do we respond?
- What can we learn from this?
- What can we do better next time?
Being a grown-up doesn’t mean we must always win the argument or fight back harder.
Sometimes, being a grown-up means:
- seeing the situation more holistically,
- admitting where we are wrong,
- separating the message from the emotion,
- and still choosing to respond in a positive and respectful way.
We can’t change how every person gives feedback.
But we can slowly change how we receive it and how we use it to become better.
And maybe, one day, when it’s our turn to give feedback to others,
we will remember how it felt — and choose to do it with more wisdom and more kindness.
The Andree Perspective 